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Lullaby's Gone

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Lullaby's Gone

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January 2nd, 2006

If there's one thing I know for sure it's that lugging a baby around when you're wanting to keep yourself somewhat concealed for a little while? Not the easiet thing to do. First the kid would cry, then he'd need to be changed, need something to eat, then he'd cry some more. God, how in the hell hadn't we killed the thing a week after he was born? I'd do it myself now, but I believed there was always a right way to do something this important plus the right time. What good would killing the son you had with your old lover do if it was without any witnesses? I could think of a few that would love to see that.

Knowing that Buffy would be on full alert as well as the other white hats of Angel's, I decided that hanging back for at least a day or two wouldn't hurt. They'd get more and more worried and desperate and who knows, maybe when Buffy and I met again that this would turn out for the best. Start a nice family again. Wouldn't that just be nice? After all, a boy needs his mother. Well - a mother. Speaking of mothers, finding Darla might be on the agenda if Buffy turns out to be disappointing. Then again, she might not like my holding out son hostage. She said on top of that roof that she wouldn't even be able to remember that she loved the kid, but now that she'd been gone for weeks? I was starting to wonder what the hell she'd been doing.

There was one thing that I remembered helped with Connor's constant crying. He knew who his real father was didn't he? One look at the face and the crying always stopped. It was amusing and almost made me take a-likin' to the kid. It was kind of endearing if I do say so myself.

After I'd finally been able to keep the noise level to a minimum, I carried him on an arm and carefully made my way to the hotel. I was getting impatient and what better way to cure that then by going for a little walk followed by a visit to my favorite slayer?

I stood outside the hotel for at least an hour waiting for everyone else to leave who was going to leave. Buffy, Fred, and the witch were all going to be staying at the hotel like usual, but having Cordelia and Wes leave would make things much easier this time around. Oh, and of course there was Spike to worry about, but if I knew Buffy - and I did - then I had a feeling he wouldn't be much to worry about. There were chains in the basement for good reason. Well. That and a few other things I could think of using them for now.

Making my way to the back of the hotel, I entered through the courtyard and noticed that the lobby area was empty. It was late enough for everyone to have gone home, but not late enough for Buffy to be making her way upstairs. My girl wouldn't dare be asleep at this hour. Although I almost wished she were. What better way to find her but asleep in most likely my bed. I'd done my fair share of watching her sleep in the past and even though I took a completely different pleasure in watching than Angel did - I still enjoyed it.

Once inside, I moved my way quietly through the lobby and sat myself down on the couch. Connor was keeping quiet so far and, frankly, that was good on his behalf. I sat there for a few moments looking around the room and then occasionally back down at the baby that stared up at me from my lap. A devilish grin appeared on my face as I heard familiar footsteps enter the room.

"You really should have a talk with the boss about security in this place. Seems that they'll let anybody in these days." Cocking my head to the side, I grinned again as she laid her eyes on me. "Told you I'd be back, baby."

November 3rd, 2005

Angelus's kiss still burned on my lips, I could feel the cold hand closed around my throat and the weight of Connor in my arms was an absence that made me ache with fear. What would he do to Angel's baby? If something happened to Connor Angel would never forgive me; I would never forgive myself. I slid down the wall and stared into the darkness, I was transported back to when I was 17 and my world had fallen apart all around me.

I don't know how long I sat there staring at nothing before I heard a groan and then Spike stumbled towards me.

"Slayer, where's the ponce did you stake him?"

I felt the anger hot and rising and I quietly got up and looked at Spike, "I swear to every single god or goddess that has ever existed that if you don't get the fuck out of my face you'll find that Angelus isn't the only one who knows what a little torture can do to your mood."

I stepped passed him and found myself staring at Connor's empty crib, heart wrenching pain? Gut twisting Agony? Was it my birthday? Usually stuff like this happened on my birthday.

Spike stepped closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder, "Don't worry pet, I'll stake him for you."

Oh my god. Did he really think he was going to be some hero. I shrugged his arm off my shoulder and clutched the bulky cross at my neck.

"I will stake you Spike," I said quietly but he heard me, vampire hearing, I'd intended for him to hear me though. I knew what he was going to say, that taunt that he was getting so good at making me believe, but not anymore.

I turned to him my eyes in slits, "Before you say I can't; think again. The only reason you aren't dust right now is because I promised Angel he'd be there to see it. If I can't get him back I'm perfectly fine with it being Angelus in the room."

He didn't believe me that was fine, that meant he'd follow me around and stay close so when the time came I didn't have to try to find him. Whatever, I was going to get Angel back and if not I was killing Angelus and then probably myself. I didn't think I could handle living with having killed Angel/Angelus again, so maybe I wouldn't have to. I don't care if it's melodramatic or depressing, morbid, stupid or what-the-fuck-ever it was the truth.

I punched Spike square in the jaw and then turned around and walked out of Angel's room. I headed downstairs, Cordelia and Tara were standing there talking, they turned when I walked into the room, Tara's eyes widening as Spike stalked down the stairs behind me.

"What was up with Angel? And why is Spike not dust! Buffy!" Cordelia yelled at me and I shot her a look.

"What wasn't Angel and Spike will be; when we get Angel back." I said flatly.

Cordelia's eyes widened, "You guys had sex!?!?"

I rolled my eyes and glared at her, "No Cordelia, Spike thought he could become the hero if he took Angel's soul and then killed Angelus for me."

Spike started to say something but Tara shot him a glare that shut him up.

"Angelus took Connor." I said finally and both of them went pale, I was doing anything and everything to keep myself from breaking down, I'd had my moments to hate myself and now I had to deal.

"I don't think he's going to hurt him, at least not yet, Tara I need you to do some massive research, call Willow if you have to," I gave her a look asking for forgiveness she nodded, "I'll kill him if I have to but I don't want it to come to that, Connor needs his father. If you can, fix this, Angel can't worry about loosing his soul with a son to take care of."

Besides this was my fault, when we got Angel back I was going to leave; as long as I was here it wouldn't ever go away.

I looked at Spike, "You find him, if you even think about staking him I will rip your head off with my bare hands, just make sure you know where he is and that he hasn't hurt Connor. Don't test me Spike." I growled at him.

He stood there in shock for a minute, nodded and walked away.

"You trust him?" Wesley walked up to us, obviously he heard enough to put the situation together.

"He wants in my pants, he'll do what I say for now." I responded finally, "Help Tara research, time is a big issue here. He'll be back and he won't hesitate to kill all of you."

I closed my eyes, "What about you?" Cordelia asked.

I shook my head, "He wants something different from me," I eyed her, she was really lucky I came into that room when I did and she knows it.

With that I turned my back on them took a deep breath and closed my eyes willing away my tears. I had to do this, there was no other option.

"I'll be back later, be careful, Get Fred and go somewhere that's not here, one of your places and do the uninvitation spell."

Cordelia tossed me Angel's cellphone, "We'll call you when we find something conclusive."

I nodded and left, I had to get out of there, find myself some vampires to kill. I had to kill something before I went completely crazy. This was all my fault and I knew it.

Angel was gone, Angelus was toying with me and my world was falling apart for the hundreth time recently. I wanted to go back to heaven, I wanted to find solace in Angel's arms and never have to worry about anything again, erase the memory of Spike's hands, embrace the memory of Angel's. I wanted to be free because this world was harsh and cold and I hated it. A part of me thought that if I couldn't get Angel back that I'd just offer myself to Angelus to end, it would be fitting wouldn't it? Get Connor away from him, Tara, Cordelia, Fred, Wesley, Gunn - they could find a place and take care of him. I could go to Angelus - offer a trade, maybe he'd take it.

Everything was still harsh and bright even under the dark of the night; I could still remember how warm it had been in heaven, how beautiful.

September 14th, 2005

My lullaby is gone

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July 25th, 2005

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[Continued from here]

I still couldn't believe I'd told him about Spike. It was also strange that it was easier for me to tell him that I'd slept with Spike on my own than for me to tell him that Spike had attempted to rape me. I couldn't be a victim, I was the superhero, I was the one who floated in and out of cemetaries saving people and making wise cracks and barely letting anything get to me. Yet Spike, of all people, had turned me into a catatonic child who needed to be swept away so her ex lover, the one who held her heart could just save her.

Now I knew Tara hadn't really thought it of that way, and I knew for a fact that Angel certainly didn't think of it that way either, but really when you looked at the situation that's kind of what happened. If I had the strength maybe I'd go back to Sunnydale and face whatever could be waiting for me there.

I made Angel promise that if Spike was going to be staked, I was going to do the staking. I was still conflicted, I had no illusions about Spike's character, about what he really was and what he'd do to me if his chip were removed, despite his claims of love. Still, he had been there for me, but could I just frogive and forget?

I glanced at Angel, maybe it was expected for me to. I'd been with Angel after Angelus was shoved back into the recesses of his mind, but I made the distinction between the two, still believing they are more seperate than Angel thinks, but realizing they are more the same than I'd ever imagine. I'd never truly know unless I could some how make my way into Angel's head and I have a feeling that as much as I love him, his mind would be a scary place to dwell for me, even knowing what I know. That thought sobers me slightly and I just sigh and keep in step next to him.

"I know, but like you said. That's what friends are good for, huh?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I guess hearing about how good things were wouldn't be the way to say 'hey buffy this was the most amazing relationship of your life, including the ones you haven't had but you should move on' probably wouldn't have worked."

I sighed, the good, everything outweighed the bad in my book and the bad was huge, horrible and heartbreaking. It had to be scary for my friends to realize that, despite the bad I didn't regret one second with him.

Cordelia and I might make friends but our banter was a part of our relationship and he had to know that. If you couldn't exchange sarcasm with Cordelia you were likely to take her head of, he had to know that much.

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

"Good because I'm pretty set in my ways."

Which, by the way I totally am, I'm not changing my ways. I've been back from the dead for about six months now and I'm still struggling through everyday life. I should worry that I hadn't even thought about heaven since I'd been here. The thought scared me and I glanced at Angel again before looking down at my hands. See again where's the lucky vampire or demon to come out and distrupt our conversation and why the hell hadn't it come when I needed it?

"I'm sure we'll hear if something decides to show it's ugly face back there. Besides, I think there's enough evil around these parts to keep a slayer busy."

I laughed lightly, "I'm not worried about being kept busy and as horrible as it sounds I'm not that worried about Sunnydale either, I don't have anything worth salvaging there besides one hell of a shoe collection, I haven't had anything there for a while."

I glanced at him quickly before looking back at the night ahead of me. Vampire's oh stupid vampire come out come out whereever you are. Now more than ever do i need to pummel something, pretend it's hair is bleached so i'll feel better. Even though I know nothing will ever make me feel completely better, not even mr. pointy covered in Spike's dust.

June 20th, 2005

At her cue, we headed upstairs and while she waited downstairs, I went up to my room to find Tara just waking up and Connor still sound asleep in his crib. I stood in the doorway for a moment as I watched Tara lean over the crib and kiss Connor on the forehead. It amazed me how motherly she acted towards him and even more so how I wasn't threatened by it. Jealous maybe, but not threatened. As she walked over to where I was standing, I moved out of doorway and smiled a bit at her. "Thanks for watching him."

She smiled, place her hand on my arm and turned back to the sleeping boy in the crib. "He's such an angel," She said turning back to me, smiling again. "Like his father." I ducked my head, but let my eyes make their way over to crib. "And you're welcome. Anytime." I nodded at her and smiled. Her hand fell from my arm and she left the room.

So, now I was to do as instructed. Find a clean shirt and grabbing my 'sexy dusty'. Grinning to myself, I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it onto the bed. Getting another, I put it on and froze when I heard a noise come from Connor. Immediately standing over the crib, I looked down to see him moving a bit and a small yawn escaped his mouth. Sighing, I caught myself just staring down at him and had to shake myself out of the gaze and remember that Buffy was waiting downstairs for me.

I grabbed the 'sexy dusty' off the bed, hanging it over my arm and walked quietly back over to the crib. Connor's eyes slowly squinted open and after a moment found my face. I was amazed when a small smile came to his perfect face. Carefully, I picked him up and placed a kiss on the top of his head. Sighing as I looked down at him, I turned to walk out of the room and headed back downstairs.

Voices caught my ear as I made my way down the stairs to the lobby. I joined Buffy in the lobby who was standing there talking with Cordy, Fred, and Tara who'd just come back downstairs. Wesley was no doubt in his office and Gunn out 'doing his thing'. Cordy immediately took Connor away from me when I stood next to her. Raising a brow at her, I looked over at Buffy. "You ready?"

May 31st, 2005

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I was exhausted by the time I left Angel's room. All the emotion had drained my reserve energy out like you wouldn't believe. Plus just seeing Connor, it was, weird, terrifying, amazing all at once. I want to hate Darla for giving Angel something I'd never be able to but I couldn't. The mere fact that she gave him something so precious was enough to forgive her sins. I say that now, when she's no where to be found, I'm not saying it aloud in front of anyone because I know if she shows up again all that good intention is going to be gone.

I went to bed and didn't dream which was new for me. No nightmares about evil things, killing demons, sending my lover tohell. No dreams about Spike's hands and teeth and, ugh. It was just quiet in my dreams, I relished it.

The next day I tagged along with Fred, Wesley and Tara to this magick supply store. It was fun to hear Fred and Tara compaire magick and science, it reminded me of Willow and it was nice. Wesley was seemingly amused as well, though I think he was more intent on just watching Fred. But I got the distinct impression that Fred was involved with that guy Gunn. Lovely triangle we've got here.

When we got back to the hotel Cordelia had gotten a vision and Angel wasn't too keen on leaving Connor alone yet, though he wasn't going to say it. So I decided to offer my services, Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia and I went to deal with some sewer dwelling demons leaving Tara, Fred and Angel to get to know each other. I couldn't help but find my mind wandering to what they'd be talking about while we were gone. Of course the thoughts were broken quickly when I beheaded this huge slimey demon.

Cordelia and I continued our little wonderful no bitchfest. We were getting along, Cordelia and I getting along, I was seriously wondering if it wasn't a sign of an upcoming apocolypse. Sure we had some fun banter, but it was more playful than anything else. Gunn seemed to like me and after a fumbled weird apology to Wes about good ole' sunnydale everything seemed to be alright.

The hotel was quiet when we got there, I was really surprised to find Tara sprawled out on the couch holding Connor close to her. I could hear the grunts coming from the basement and a few seconds after we'd entered the building Fred came bounding up to us and explained how the day had been spent talking and Angel had needed some brooding time or something.

Then she declared that everyone needed a shower, well not me, apparently super speed was used easily for not getting slime all over me. But everyone else reeked. So everyone headed to their respective homes and I took Connor up to Angel's room where Tara decided to stay and sing him to sleep. She was just as taken with the little one as the rest of us.

Finally I made my way down to tbe basement, wondering why Angel hadn't really noticed us getting back, even with the commotion. It meant he had something heavy on him.

I stood at the foot of the stairs watching him for a while before I cleared my throat and he smacked the hell out of a punching bag.

"MM, Maybe I shouldn't have stopped you from going to fight today, you seem to have some pent up agression."

May 23rd, 2005

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He was so beautiful, so small, so innocent, so..alive. And he was mine. My son. Connor.

I couldn't take my eyes off him while he slept so soundly. It'd taken forever to finally calm him down and actually get him to sleep, but I I'd found out a little bit about that. I'd tried rocking him, feeding him, changing him,.. even singing to him to get him to stop crying. Then there was the bright idea of making silly faces at him. Turned out he didn't want silly. No, my boy liked the scary ones. It made me smile and almost a little proud at that little detail. Maybe that meant he'd always be okay with what I really was. He'd grow up with it all and possibly grow to accept who I was. Was that just wishful thinking?

Leaning forward in my chair, I carefully rested my arms on the edge of his crib to get closer. I wanted to know the person he'd become. We already knew from the entire birth ordeal. Then there was Darla. After the birth I thought she'd stay around, heal from all that we had to do to her to let give birth. If not that then what about the monster in her being brought back out again? She'd known it was going to happen after he was born. The soul he'd forced in her body that she'd grown to love so much would be ripped out just the same. If anything, I would've thought that she would want to destroy the thing that made her feel those emotions, the absolute love.

Darla had been gone for a few days now and I had no idea where she'd gone. In any other circumstance I'd most likely be out searching for her, but with Connor.. I couldn't leave the room without him, and I couldn't exactly take him out with me searching for her. No, I'd stay here. Right here watching over my son. My son.

I must have been so focused watching him that I didn't even hear anyone walk in the room. Feeling the hand on my shoulder, I sat for a moment still watching him before finally looking up to see Cordelia standing over me and the crib looking down at Connor. Smiling slightly at her I looked back down at Connor who was still sleeping.

"Do you think he knows?" I asked.

"Knows what?"

"Who he is. Who he's going to be. The things he might do." Still looking at him, I leaned back only a little from the crib carefully so not to shake his crib.

"Angel? He's hardly weeks old. I think all he's concerned about is the normal baby stuff. Eat, sleep, and cry. Oh, and poop too." I raised a brow when I looked up at her. She grinned and reached over in the crib, adjusting his blanket. "He will, Angel. You'll show him."

There was a small content smile on my face as I watched him more. I heard Cordy sigh as she looked at me again. "Angel.. there's something you should know." The smile I had faded when I looked at her again. "It seems we have a few houseguests with us for a while."

"Houseguests?"

Cordy pulled up a chair and sat down, sighing again. "Buffy's here." She finally said and then paused for a moment. "She came with a girl from Sunnydale, Tara. She was Willow's girlfriend back in Sunnydale. And Angel? About Buffy.. she didn't look like herself. Or at least the self that I remember. We didn't even have a fight."

When Cordy mentioned that Buffy was here, and when I put the word 'houseguest' with her name I froze. What had happened over the past few months from the time I'd seen her that that day? Things were rough that day, but I'd actually thought she was going to be alright. Blinking, I looked at Cordy again. "She's.. here? Why?"

"I'm not sure. I think that's something you're going to have to ask her." She paused again. "Just like you're going to have to tell Buffy about your son."

I was going to have to tell Buffy about Connor. How could that possibly go well? Sighing, I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. "Yeah.." We sat there for a while then finally Cordy ended up leaving me to brood as she liked to tell me. Sitting there for a little while longer, I finally decided to get up and go see Buffy. I wanted to be glad she was here, but if she was here and not herself.. that couldn't be good. Buffy was one of the strongest people I knew and something had to happen so bad for her to leave Sunnydale.

The last time she'd come to L.A. she hadn't exactly come under good circumstances. I remember her telling me about coming to L.A. and what she went through while she was here. No matter what had happened over the past few years or months, I didn't want her to go through all that again. This time I'm not dead, and I want to help her with whatever happened.

And tell her about my son.

So, that's what I was going to do. Glancing one last time at Connor, I leaned over the crib and ran my thumb across his cheek. I switched on the monitor by his crib and picked up the other, sticking it down in my back pocket. I left the room, leaving the door cracked just slightly and made my way to the room that Cordelia said Buffy was. Sighing, I lifted a hand and knocked lightly on her closed door.

It was time for a little talking for both of us.

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When did the drive to L.A. get so long? I feel like I sat in the jeep for hours in silence with Tara. I didn't even know where she was taking us till we drove up to the hotel. I gave her a sideways glance, when had she decided she was taking me to the Hyperion? How did she even know about the Hyperion? I mean how would she know the one place I wouldn't want to go?

"Before you say anything I called ahead. There's some really bad things going on here, but Cordelia Chase seems to think our presence might make things better. Complicated at best but better."

I sighed and nodded, at least it was easy to hide the bruises, none anyone would just notice on a whim. I pulled off my seat belt and sighed heavily before getting out of the Jeep and grabbing the stuffed duffel bag. Maybe this is where the ballad music is suppose to cue in, Angel's suppose to walk out of the doors, scoop me up in his arms and hold me.

Too bad I don't want him to touch me; or maybe not too bad because he's not going to burst through the doors or take me into his arms.

The truth is, I've already got the mixed feelings that come with being in the same city with Angel. Last time I saw him it was intense and scary and I ran. It's not like I ran away, I more did the whole emotional running thing, it was only a few weeks ago too, it feels like forever.

I'm afraid he'll look at me and he'll know; he'll know I had sex with Spike. So what if it only happened once? So what if Spike decided that it would be fun to try to rape me? So what if I said no, so fucking what? I just can't stand the look on his face; the one I know will come, if he finds out. Not to mention Cordelia, she pretty much hates me. Wesley too, I'm not exactly expecting a warm welcome here.

Tara gives me a supportive glance and I just look away, I appreciate her being here with me more than I can say. With Willow so out of her head, Dad taking Dawn and away and then Xander and Anya running off to get married I've had no one. She really stepped up.

We make our way into the hotel and Cordelia gushes over us, which is surprising to me. I guess I expected some usual snark and meanness, I try to get her to tell me what's going on but she gives me that cryptic, 'I think Angel should be the one to tell you' thing.

My gut clenches, somethings wrong and I'm not going to like whatever is going on. In fact, judging from Cordelia's response I'm going to hate it. Hate it with a fiery passion; and why does my stomach still flutter at the thought of seeing him? It's not fair. I'm suppose to be an adult, not a slave to passion or my heart. I'm broken, dead even and I just want to fade off; ebb out of existance but no one will let me. They couldn't leave me dead and now they won't let me just exist.

We get settled into some rooms and I wonder why I don't just run away. Tara would understand, Angel might not, but right then I wasn't worried about Angel. At least this is what I was trying to tell myself. Continue to not care and my heart won't get broken.

I should know better than things like this.
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